OLD TRIALS RIDERS NEVER DIE
....they just smell that way

Trials riding is a unique form of motorized self-abuse, demanding a combination of strength, agility, endurance and skill.

Amazingly though, if you take a look around the riders meeting at a trial, you'll find all manner of middle-aged riders obviously lacking in three or four (maybe even five) of those vital qualities, yet they keep riding.

It has become obvious, therefore, that long-term exposure to riding trials must gradually diminish the reasoning ability of riders, until one day they slip into a condition known by the scientific name cantus stopridingus or literally translated, "old geezerism."

The process is insidious, and extensive field observations have established that most riders can't recognize the warning signs in themselves except after repeated encounter sessions with trees and rocks.

Are you becoming a trials-riding old geezer?  To shorten the painful period of realization, we've assembled the following quick reference guide of symptoms to help you decide if you're past your prime as a trials rider.

You know you're an old-geezer if:

• You are automatically pre-entered in the Senior Class.

• You get to the first section and realize that your boots are older than most of the riders in the other classes.

• You have more hair growing out of your ears and nose than on top of your head.

• When you open a magazine to the test of a new dirt bike, the first thing you check out is the price, and the second is the seat height.

• You can remember when Bultaco made a trials bike.

• You can remember when SWM made a trials bike.

• You can remember when Honda didn't make a trials bike.

• You ride a bike that is actually paid for.

• You blame most of your crashes on your bifocals.

• You can remember when they made milk crates tall enough to use as bike stands.

• Your aches and pains from a day of riding last longer into the week than they used to.

• You remember when "upside-down forks" meant you had crashed hard.

• Stopping for a short nap between loops sounds reasonable.

• You buy Ben-Gay by the case.

• Your knuckles are so gnarly that you have to buy oversized riding gloves.

• Young girls giggle when you take off your jersey after a trials.

• And finally, you know you're an old dirt biker when you don't have to win, you don't have to place, heck, you don't have to even finish the trial to have a good time.  You're just happy to still be out there riding while your buddies are sitting home.

Man those guys must be getting old......

... compiled by T. Moore circa sometime in the seventies.

2008 Updates courtesy NEOTT webmaster:

• You are awarded a lifetime membership in NEOTT

• You still wear a Bultaco or SWM jersey

• You give back your trophies because there is no more room in your house for them.

• You took a trials riding class from Bernie Schrieber

• You ever wore a driving cap during an event.

• You know who this guy is:

• After 30+ years of riding you want an electric start trials bike because your knees are worn out but you cantus stopridingus